radio show

I might not be tough enough for this show. Last Tuesday's guests were promoting the documentary, "Lost in Laconia". Lost is the word for those children who lived on the back ward of Laconia State Hospital. A more fitting name would be Laconia Children's Warehouse. The film maker was accompanied by an elderly woman whose gray hair and weathered face concealed an always young mother forever fixed in time and space-a moment when her newborn was judged too imperfect for the world of the perfect. At the age of five they could not care for Janet anymore. Seizures and a litany of physical and mental issues and the urging of experts resulted in her being placed in Laconia. I felt heartsick asking her questions. "Did she know you and your husband?" Could she smile". "Could she stand at all?". She was quiet--a remembered photo hung on some inner wall. " "My husband loved her", she spoke. "She would crawl over to his easy chair at night and pull herself to her feet wordlessly holding out her cheek to be kissed." There is more, lots more, too much more.

hope this helps

Many friends have asked me privately to give the details of the program I'm in. There are two ways to answer that question. The simple answer begins and ends with the food for those who woul like to lose some unwanted pounds. I include the basic plan for men. Women eat about 20% less. I know it is unfair. Women also lose weight at a slower rate and experience having another human being emerge from them. Makes me wonder if souls are given a gender choice in a meeting with God. If you faint at the birth video then you are born male. You are born as a macho male if you faint at the verbal explanation. Sorry, I digress (good tombstone inscription for me).
Male Food plan:
Breakfast: 8 oz. of plain yogurt, 6 oz. of blueberries, strawberries, or 1 banana, 1 apple, 1 pear and 1 oz of oat bran (add a little water and microwave for 2 minutes). I sweeten my yogurt with a pinch of stevia powder. I keep a large bag of frozen blue berries and sometimes strawberries in the freezer.

Lunch and dinner are the same. Wait four hours between meals.
6 oz. of protein including soy
8 oz of salad with a dressing of a olive oil and vin.
6 oz of cooked (usually steamed) vegetables except peas or corn because they have too much sugar content.

We eschew (the opposite of chew) all flour and sugar products. and do not eat between meals. For twenty dollars a tiny metric scale from Walmart is used to weigh and measure your food. Your next day menu is written down the night before. I do not think inordinately about food and my body only sends me legitimately hunger signals primarily at noon and dinner time.

Flour and sugar products are the physical root cause of weight gain.

This will work if you just need to lose a few pounds. I, and many other unfortunates like me are food addicts and are addicted to flour and sugar. Our inner voice always says "more" and seldom says "enough". My program is Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous. We follow the same regimen that alcohol, drug, and nicotine addicts follow. I go to three support meetings a week where we share our experiences and gain strength form one another. Many food addicts have also been addicted to alcohol and drugs and never really dealt with the underlying reasons why they sought refuge in a material substance rather than a spiritual refuge. To be in this program you must acknowledge that we are spiritual beings who must have the assistance of a Higher Power to control the addiction. It is definitely a "we' program and not an "I" program. We also call 3 people in the program and receive calls from others only using first names. I have made many friends and have watch people lose weight and fear by the ton. I have come to believe molecules of fat and fear are bonded together. This is important. The full program is for those individuals who know that this is a life and death issue. The demands of the program are too great for the average person. Hope this helps.

commonality

I think this is a word. I hate to think I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. A simply incredible radio show yesterday. Two ladies that run bipolar support groups-real survivors akin to someone who has fought a long war and come back from the front to talk to civilians safe in their homes and far from the battlefield. One has a basket full of exotic mental ills that have led to gruesome suicide attempts. Gruesome, as in drinking draino and liquid plummer. When I asked her why she was still alive she pointed to the sky and beyond, She pointed to the presence of God in her life-an intervention that came with a price of earn this reprieve. That is why, she explained she devotes her life to support groups trying to help fellow sufferers. "My heart is so filled with love for everyone" they both said and I felt it hitting me like waves on sand. I thought of the film on suicide prevention that we now arranging for public viewing. I know this film will help save lives and I want to thank all my friends who have supported the show and the film and kept us on the air. Back to the two women and commonality. Both women said that they would not be around on this planet without their families. Kim's husband was told by everyone during the darkest days of suicide attempts, ranting, raving, verbal abuse and all around bizarre behavior that he should run like hell and take the kids with him. She said "why did you stick by me?" to her husband. His answer was " I stood before God and promised that I would stand by you in good times and bad and in sickness or health and I meant it" I saw before bravery and honor not only in these two women, but in their husbands and children--thus the commonality. The great simple message of our film is that those who have survived the dark night of the soul had lighted lanterns in the form of people who loved them.

getting there

A day I would always look forward to with dread is now a happy occasion. Four times a year I would check in with my primary where he he would lift me up and put me on a glass slide and wonder what his microscope would reveal. All in my head of course. A four hundred pound body has an equally large head filled with illusions. I now have gone from not being able to sleep without sleep apnea equipment to not being able to sleep with it. Now it sits gathering dust by my bed. High blood pressure has given way to low blood pressure and the gradually withdrawal of blood pressure medication. My feet are barely swollen and my knees don't scream at me when I walk. Another ten months and I will be 200 lbs-half my old weight. I have completed half the journey. I once wrote a book called "The Unexpected Day" and that is how I look at the future now. Six months ago all my days were expected as my world got smaller as I got bigger--less and less things I could do, but observe a set- in- stone decline of expected days. No new mystery or surprise-at least a good surprise.
I recounted a fable at a meeting the other day once told by Abdu'l-Baha. A servant was working in an orchard for a wealthy and powerful landowner. The landowner rode by on his horse surveying his vast lands. Despite the difference in their social positions the two men were life long close friends. The landowner stopped and smiled at his hardworking servant who was sweating in the afternoon sun. He picked an apple off the tree and implored the servant to take a rest and take a bite of the apple . The servant's face beamed with pleasure and declared the apple was sweetness itself. The land owner then took a bite out of the same apple and spit it out and said, "My friend, this apple is unpleasantly bitter. Why did you tell me that this apple is sweet?
The servant replied, "All my life our friendship has given me nothing but sweetness. How good I ever mention one fleeting moment of unpleasantness."
I told the group that I have been given a great gift. I know I will have days when events cause me sadness, but those moments pale in comparison to the magnitude of the gift and the majesty of the Giver of gifts and are not worth mentioning.

For Karen

"I cannot walk an inch without trying to walk to God. I cannot move a finger without trying to touch God.
Perhaps it is this way:

He is in the graves of the horses.
He is in in the swarm, the frenzy of the bees.
He is in the tailor mending my pantsuit.
He is in Boston, raised up by skyscrapers.
He is in the bird, that shameless flyer.
He is in the potter who makes clay into a kiss."
Anne Sexton

For Karen who turns love into stone
Then stone into love
Then love into a kiss
Then a kiss into a memory
Then a memory into a life together.

This spring we will finally turn the old garage into a new pottery studio.

a face in the crowd

I was asked to visit the radio station yesterday. It was a non radio Tuesday and a bit unusual that we would be there. Six emotionally disturbed teenagers from a private school were touring the station with their teacher and the volunteer coordinator wanted the kids to know about "Don't Dis My Ability". After they talked with engineers and a DJ and saw the broadcast rooms, they met with us in the reception area. The teacher had them line up on a couch and I immediately sensed pain in the air-no I'm not physic. But it was palpable as experiencing rain in a thunderstorm. They were asked to introduce themselves. I sat almost knee to knee with a young girl who had a ragged scar on the left side of her face. She said in a calm, flat voice, "Hi, my name is -----. I was six years old and in a car with my father. He was driving drunk and we got into an accident. Half my face was ripped off. Her classmates reacted like they had heard her unusual introduction many times before. Pray for her. Pray that she becomes older then six years old.-love to all in this harsh world.

Film-"Just One More Day"

I woke up yesterday morning at 4:30 filled with undefinable emotions all mixed together that felt like the Gordian Knot inside my stomach. Our film on suicide prevention was done and we were showing it for the first time to the brave souls who revealed their darkest moments for all to see. It may not have Hollywood production values, but it is a powerful film done by a first time film maker. Once the film began I became absorbed once again. I say once again because I had seen the film through numerous revisions. I should also mention that the consultation that I was a part of was on the highest level between the film maker, professional grief counselor,our radio engineer and myself--never the slightest hint of ego or argument. I was taught the power of having pure motives. No one cared about anything but getting it right and saving lives. The stakes were high though. Six months of hard work could have gone down the drain if the film participants did not approve. The lights came on and the mother of one young man who suffered a brain injury and then tried to commit suicide had tears in her eyes and I knew from the reaction of the others that the film was a go. I could not help but notice when I was sitting in that dark room watching images from last May that the former 400 lb. Ronnie was struggling with breathing and life in general. I really wonder if there would have been a yesterday watching that film if I had not come to my senses and realized I had a problem and I needed the help of my family, friends and a God who never tires of giving His creation "Just One More Day".