Sunday, March 14, 2010

Empty the flotsam floating in my mind

Flotsam is a great word. It is floating wreckage, usually caused by a collision. In my case too many ideas swimming around collide in my head leaving behind odd ideas. I have to tell someone or write it some place to get rid of the debris. So for me this blog, now that I have written down family stories for my grandchild, who, I hope, will read them when I am just an odd memory is cost free therapy. Your job is to say "Hmm, or very interesting-have you considered medication, or let me have your belt and shoelaces."Now get comfortable with your pad and pencil.
Baha'i s don't become involved in partisan politics, but we are supposed to vote intelligently which means knowing the issues. I grew up reading newspapers, watching the Evening News. My favorite anchorman who reeked of intelligence was Robert Trout. He had a quaint pencil thin mustache and was the epitome of objectivity and it showed in his unchanging expression. I doubt that he had a personal view on anything. His producer would say (in my imagination). "Today is Tuesday you like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on Tuesday." He would slowly swivel his chair until he was face-to-face with the producer and reply, "Yes master". He covered the first presidential election that I remember in 1956-Dwight D. Eisenhower won that one. Now he was a general credited with playing a large part in winning WWII. He was an old man who promised that he would play golf as much as possible and not wet himself in public-expectations were low and he met them admirably.
This weekend I was thinking what I would do If I was President. I know it can't be because we bahai's can't run for office, but I can imagine. Since Dwight the promises that have been made have been awe inspiring. "I will end poverty, war and aids, cure cancer, outlaw hurricanes, tornadoes, and those pesky earthquakes." Every 4 years we get our hopes raised to the heavens and then we crash to earth in a crumpled heep.
Now here is what I would do. First, I would like Dwight promise never to wet myself in public-very doable. Then I would issue presidential executive orders that take effect immediately by passing the cumbersome democratic process that goes on in Congress.
I. Ban ugly wedding photos in the newspaper. Think about it. You will never look better then at your wedding. Expensive dresses and suits-makeup, hair styling. A professional photographer making you as handsome as possible and you still come out ugly. This has to be a major cause of depression in this country. Have the wedding write up and in the box where the photo would be say "John and Sally are awful looking'
2. Spanish Science Fiction Channel. I had four years of Spanish in High school and can only say " hola and adios. The problem is they speak way too fast and they are always dancing at the same time which makes me dizzy. I never ordered this channel or the shopping channels, or the golf channel, or the gravy channel. This is insane, and as make believe president, I would ban the practice and let people order the channels they actually watch. This order alone would insure my election.
3. We need a lot more pandas. They are heartwarming, uplifting and put a smile on anyone's face. The problem is they don't procreate in captivity very well. Maybe it is that crazy diet of bamboos shoots. What kind of animal or person would feel romantic if they had to live off of bamboo shoots? The solution is simple-chili dogs and viagra. Take the chili dogs and viagra from eighty year old men. Enough is enough.
4. Do something about all these tall people. They fall down a lot because they can't see their feet on foggy days causing injury to small children. Our ER's are filled with small children who have been injured by these toppling giants. Our own local baha'i, Pat Foye is way too tall. Who know how many children he has sent to the E.R.?
Ok I feel better-go about your business


  1. You've got my write-in vote Ronnie :-)

  2. "First, I would like Dwight promise never to wet myself in public-very doable."

    Pride commeth before a fall. First time you invite Omid Jalili to the White House, and he tells you the one about the Bahai and the duck who...

    Naah. i'd better not do that. But it really is funny